I just need to cry.

If you see me coming your way, please do yourself a favor, turn and walk away.

Everyone has been beaten so brutally that they feel they are broken beyond repair. At least, I have; I have let my past be the base for every relationship. I let it whisper into my ear, “they will leave and you will be alone”. Consequently, I have found ways to not let myself get so far as to being in love with anyone, friend or lover, and I hurt people because of this; I break them because I could not, would not, love them the way they loved me. I have grown up thinking people have to prove to me that I can trust them, which isn’t bad but what are my standards? What level do they have to reach before I can trust them? How many tests do they have to excel at? Loving should be a beautiful journey that one should handle with care, rather than caution. People say it is okay to be cautious when it comes to love and for years that is what excused my actions. “We broke up but I’m okay because I was cautious and didn’t let myself fall in love.” Let me tell you something, folks, if you tell yourself this you are just lying to yourself. You are not okay. You are hurting yourself and you are hurting the people you claim not to love. You put a cautious steel wall that guards your heart and no one, not even you, can break it down. You have built it and you have lived with it for so long that when you finally want to trust someone, you don’t know how. I have done inexcusable things and now I have found friends and a partner who I want to share my love with and to trust but I do not know how. Please, someone, give me an answer. I do not want to be scared anymore; I have been running and protecting myself for years and I’m tired. I just want to be wrapped in his arms, close my eyes, and let myself go. Breathe in and know that when I wake-up his arms will still wrapped around me and his love will be twice as strong as it was before we fell asleep. I want my friends to know I am always here for them. Even if I do not answer their phone call, I am still here. I don’t want to run away but how do I stop?